Throw your hands up at me (or how I’ve declared independence)

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one woman to dissolve the employment bands which have connected her with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that she should declare the causes which impel her to the separation.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, employers are instituted among men and women, deriving their just powers from the consent of the employed, — That whenever any Employer becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or abolish it, and to institute new employment laying its foundation on such principles and organizing powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that employment circumstances long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such employer, and to provide new Guards for the future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of this Woman; and such is now the necessity which constrains her to alter her former Employment. The history of the directors of The *** is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over this Woman. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

For luring me to your institution with false promises of Web 2.0 development and redesign opportunities.
For failing to conduct a 90-day review.
For expecting me to edit dense and difficult material in an open-air cubicle adjacent to a printing room.
For watching my hours hawkishly despite my never working less than 40 hours each week.
For compelling my attendance at monthly company-wide “Town Hall Meetings.”
For loudly and obnoxiously supporting Hillary Clinton.
For gossiping so maliciously about other colleagues it made me — the queen of non-discretion — uncomfortable.
For making me doubt my abilities as an editor.
For excluding me from your office coterie.
For demoting me without cause or warning.
For holding an out-of-touch retiree as the gold standard of editing and making it clear I would never fill her shoes.
For an abject disregard for my personal or professional development.

In every stage of these Oppressions I have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: My repeated Petitions have been answered only be repeated injury. A Director, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the employer of a free people.

Nor have I been wanting in attentions to my colleagues. I have warned them from time to time of attempts by their employer to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. I have reminded them of the circumstances of our at-will employment here. I have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and I have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to teh voice of justice and consanguinity. I must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as I hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

I, therefore, Writer and Contributing Editor of The *** Journal, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of my sanity and self respect, solemnly publish and declare that this Woman is, and of Right out to be Free and Independent, that she is Absolved from all Allegiance to the ***, and that all political and employment connection between me and The *** is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent Woman, I have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, secure other Employment ,and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Women may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, I pledge to myself to always uphold my Life, my Fortune, and my sacred Honor.

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2 responses to “Throw your hands up at me (or how I’ve declared independence)

  1. Classic! So is NYC looking better and better?!?!

  2. Wow. Nicely done, Shmac.

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